How do you deal with tears in the workplace?

When was the last time that you had a good cry? If that sounds like a tearful oxymoron to you, then chances are that you may not be that comfortable expressing such eye-watering emotions, or maybe are unsure what to do if others break down in tears at work.

It could all end in tears

The subject of crying came up in a recent leadership workshop that I was delivering and it created a rich discussion around how you should deal with someone who cries in the workplace. It was apparent that not all leaders were comfortable with dealing with the situation and all had varying attitudes and opinions about the appropriateness of the act, the situation and also the people that had cried in front of them.

No matter where you stand on the issue of crying, as a leader, you will encounter numerous situations where tears may be expressed as a result of work related challenges, such as negative feedback, conflict situations or in situations where tears spill over due to frustration and anger.

Big girls don’t cry

Yes, they do, and in my experience, so do big boys when under extreme pressure at work. I think it is fair to say that there is still a stigma attached to tears in the workplace, particularly for women, as it’s often perceived as a loss of control or an act of manipulation. The fact is, according to experts, adult women cry four times as often as men. But it has less to do with weakness or sensitivity, and more to do with biology; differences in tear ducts and the presence of the hormone prolactin.

Experts also agree that it’s time that we all gave our emotions more desk-space at work; crying releases endorphins that help us feel better. Pent up emotions can make you unproductive and anger stimulates cortisol and adrenaline which can build up and result in stress.

A crying shame?

Despite being a natural stress reliever, crying can still be very embarrassing for the person who is doing the crying – and your behaviour as a leader shouldn’t accentuate their awkwardness, more convey the fact that it is acceptable to cry. In fact, stopping the tears from flowing shouldn’t be your main concern. Focusing on how to help the individual regain control is more helpful.

Leadership EQ

Emotional intelligence has long been a necessary part of the leader’s kitbag, and with it comes being comfortable with the whole gamut of emotions, crying being one of them. According to Daniel Goleman, handling the emotion of others requires leaders to also get comfortable with regulating their own moods and keeping distress from swamping their ability to think and empathise.

I once coached a leader who would start crying whenever she talked about her team and her work. Whilst she recognised she needed to do the work in better managing her own emotions, what I found most refreshing were the responses of her male peer group whenever this happened in their company; they were never phased, they just passed her the tissues and carried on the conversation. They understood it was an expression of her passion. Crying can show that you care – sometimes reframing can help both parties.

So if you think you need more than just tea and sympathy as your strategy to stem the tears, here are a few practical tips.

#1. Listen, don’t wait to speak. 

Nothing displays emotional intelligence quite like empathy – the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. It sounds simple, but so often people strive to demonstrate this act of kindness by elaborating on their own experiences. Save the story telling for another day, and instead, ask simple, exploratory questions designed to get them talking. Few things stem tears like the combination of talking, and feeling heard.

#2. Recognise the emotion.

Being non-judgmental about the act of crying allows the individual to release the emotion and then self-regulate without feeling acutely vulnerable or ashamed about shedding tears in front of their boss. Being able to identify the nature of the underlying emotion can help the individual begin to rationalise their feelings – whether it be fear, anger, sadness, frustration or anxiety. Remember, it’s not part of your job description to solve their personal problems, but being understanding and supportive is the right thing to do as a leader.

#3. Use time-out.

If tears are unexpected, it always pays to give people a time-out, space away from the glare of others who may be transfixed by the emotional side show. This doesn’t take the cause away, and nor should it, but it does provide temporary respite, particularly for those of a more introverted preference. Leaders can proactively manage the environment; even turning a chair away to shield the individual can give them a welcome moment to compose themselves.

#4. Ask them what they need.

We all need different things. In our quest to help we often want to find a solution, and provide one with great haste – far better though to ask them what they would like the solution to be – it’s their issue not yours, so give them ownership. “What do you need?” is a powerful question to ask at this time. Then go back to point #1.

#5. Don’t put off having the difficult conversation.

Don’t let crying be an excuse for avoiding an issue or lowering a standard of performance. Giving a time-out is helpful, but it should not mean the conversation is over. Agree a suitable to time to pick up where you left off.

#6. Coach them to cope.

Not being able to self-regulate can still have an adverse impact on an individual’s performance and can be career limiting. Crying as a reaction to feedback, losing composure in a meeting, or an inability to deal with conflict are all situations that can’t be overlooked. Leaders can coach their people to develop emotional intelligence and find more acceptable ways to cope with their emotions – or they can always bring external coaches like us in to help. A classic mistake is to assume that others need the same support strategies as the ones that work for us.

One last practical thing – how close is the nearest box of tissues to your desk? If there isn’t one in sight, I reckon it might be time to add one to your shopping list. Some strategies are simpler than others, and this is a good place to start!